with thanks to www.drinkplanner.com
Guys, I hate to say itâŚbut a lot of you are letting me down. More importantly, youâre letting yourselves and your gender down. Every time I go out to a bar and I see a guy with a purple or pink shot in their hand, a small part of Burt Reynoldsâs mustache dies. When I venture out to a restaurant and I see a man with a martini that is any other color than clear, I am forced to say a small weeping prayer for the future of mankind. Now I donât mean to turn this into a post strictly directed at guys, because ladiesâŚthis is of the utmost importance to you too. What a person drinks says quite a bit about who they are, and if the man at your side prefers drinks with umbrellas over ones with whiskey, wellâŚyouâve got some serious decisions to make. So without further ado, I present:
1. Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y – Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy. You can start by mixing with soda at first to ween yourself into it if you need to (Jim Beam and Coke is a perfectly acceptable manly drink), but at some point youâre going to have to learn to drink the stuff on its own. Itâs a complex, mysterious and brooding spirit, which are not coincidentally three things you as a man should also strive to be. This commandment is the most important, and the hardest to get through, which is why itâs first. If you can master the ways of Daniels, Walker, Dickel, Jameson and GlenlivetâŚthe rest of this should be cake.
If she can do it, so can you, you big lady
2. There is No Such Thing as a âChocolate Martiniâ – This has been said elsewhere many a time before, but it bears repeating. The only things that should be in a martini are gin (or a quality vodka), vermouth, and garnish like an olive or onion. Anything else, and youâve made a grave mistake punishable by a lifetime of Greyâs Anatomy reruns.
3. Thou Shalt Not Drink a Frozen Drink – The ONLY exception to this is if youâre at the beach or on a cruise. Otherwise, stick to hunks of ice or chilled mugs to cool your drink. Alcohol is not meant to be drunk in smoothie form.
4. Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are – So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, Iâll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul so fast youâll truly come to appreciate the phrase âlife flashed before my eyesâ like never before. Youâre not fooling anyone. Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ainât it.
5. Thou Shalt Learn to Appreciate All Forms of Beer – If Natty Light, Keystone and Coors are your idea of what beer is and is meant to be, youâre living your drinking-life like that of a child in sub-Saharan Africa. Bring that inner impoverished child into the âcivilizedâ world and open your dry crusty wind-chapped eyes to the world of ambers, stouts, saisons, hefeweissens and the multitude of heavenly hops-angels just waiting to surround you and give you a glimpse of the Promised Land. While youâre still getting over your silly stigma that Guinness is a âheavyâ beer and cringing at the thought of a slice of lemon in your Hoegaarden, the rest of us will be happily melting our brains away into oblivion. With the superhot hops-angels, of course.
Get used to it, Jack
6. No Worthwhile Woman Will Ever Be Impressed With How Much You Can Drink – Being able to funnel six beers at once or taking down an entire fifth of rum in one night may impress the shit out of your buddies, but no quality woman on earth will give a damn about how much you can drink. For that matter itâs really not worth even trying, as trying and failing will produce far more disgusting consequences than you ever bargained on. Let it be known: while some refer to alcohol as âLiquid Panty Removerâ, puke is far better known as âLiquid Lonelinessâ.
7. Itâs More Than Okay to Drink Wine – Knowing the name of a few good Cabernets and Pinot Noirs is a highly valuable thing. Inevitably in your life youâll need to go to expensive restaurants for anniversaries, birthdays, and pet funerals⌠and knowing whatâs good vs. what tastes like grape-flavored vinegar not only makes you look smart and sophisticated, but saves you from drinking grapes that taste like they were fermented in horseshit. Become familiar with the ins-and-outs of a few wines, and the impression youâll make will be well worth it. Being labeled as âculturedâ is never a bad thingâŚbeing labeled as âignorantâ always is.
8. Itâs Worth it to Learn the Rules and Traditions of the Drinking World Before You Go Out Into the Wild (and Make an Ass Out of Yourself) – Pro Tip: When drinking one of the aforementioned obligatory wines at one of the aforementioned stuffy and overpriced restaurants, do not sniff the cork. Check it for mold or odd discoloration, and then put it downâŚbut do not sniff it like a damned country bumpkin. Pro Tip 2: Do not make a big show of popping the cork off a bottle of champagne. Hold a cloth or towel over the cork and catch it before it shoots into the ceiling. Itâs the grown-up thing to do. There are a thousand small rules like these (or maybe âcustomsâ is a better word?) surrounding the booze-life that knowing can be the difference between you looking like a showboating know-nothing jackass, or a refined gentleman of great taste and culture. The two mentioned here are a start, but take the time to learn what separates grown men from the forever-frat-boys and youâll be more than a few steps ahead.
Welcome to Assholeville, population: YOU
9. The Way You Treat Bartenders and Waitstaff Says More About You Than You Know – I donât mean to get all Jesus-y on you guys, but as the Good Book says, âThat which you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me.â And I can tell you, thatâs exactly how a woman or prospective business associate will see it. Snapping, clapping, yelling, whistling or just general rudeness to someone waiting on you are a sure sign to anyone in your company that if they spend enough time around you, youâll eventually treat them with the same selfish nonchalance and disdain that you treat those who are paid to be nice to you. And for crying out loud, TIP WELL. You have no idea how far this can take you.
10. Any Free Drink is a Good Drink – I know, this seemingly negates some of the previous rules, but hear me out. Not even mentioning the many economical reasons that you should never ever in your life turn down a free drink when offered to you (which essentially boil down to: YOUâRE NOT BUYING IT AND ITâS NOT POISON, SO WHO CARES!?!), itâs just plain RUDE to turn down a shot or drink purchased by someone else for you (unless it is, in fact, poison). Theyâve not only put down their hard-earned dollar to buy you a taste of the good life, but theyâve also taken the social gamble of saying âHey, this is a person who deserves a drink for saving babies/stopping (evil) moving trains/kicking my ass in Guitar Hero, and by gollyâŚIâm going to buy them a beverage in public to show the world how noteworthy their accomplishment is!â Thatâs quite simply a proposition you canât say no to. If you do, youâre a dick.
Much like the Bible, there are many more minor rules to the world of drinking, but these are the Big 10, the ones that in a general sense should guide you throughout your journey through this magical world of booze and keep you from temptation and harm. Itâs a cold and frightening world out there, but by following these simple rules you definitely have a better chance of emerging unscathed.
http://www.drinkplanner.com/2008/05/14/the-10-commandments-for-drinking-like-a-man/
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