Some of my favorites from “The Rules Of Drinking” that Paul Whittaker sent me a while back.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go
to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small
talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re
off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50,
you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it
to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress,
small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same”,
then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep
their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up.
If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame
it on someone else.
48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all
his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you
tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right
in front of you is the equivalent of saying, I’m an idiot.
67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight”? They do not fly in the
scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell
away from the bar.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers
and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with
these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of
hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will
understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re
hammered and theyre sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old
arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9 % of the time
you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at
you, you do not deserve a drink.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with I know this is
going to be a hassle, but . . .
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if youre
supposed to be at work.